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Thursday, 13 May 2010

i do not like irresponsible men.

why can't i ever settle? at first it seems like i do, then i shake myself out of whatever self induced lie i put myself in and go back to square one or i get trapped in a continuous awareness of what's wrong but can't seem to escape, so on the surface i only appears that i'm content. i'm cursed with this horrible tendency to repeat horrible mistakes.
right now i'm a tad both relationship wise but i've put a time limit on this one. so far this one is not turning out so hot. at first i thought oh cool i found someone new and different who's got his head on his shoulders. i was sorely mistaken unfortunately. he's passive aggressive as hell, as if i wasn't already bad enough on my own, i have to baby him every step of the way with all the things that should be very important to a person. like his car, he would still be taking the fucking bus to work if it wasn't for me getting his dumbass a battery, making him get insurance and making him get it inspected, after his know nothing friend was going to give him a leaky ass battery after already giving him the wrong size one in the first place. i don't know how long he had been saying that soon soon he'd get it done but i finally got sick and tired of his excuses, i feel like i shouldn't have to do that. it's not like he couldn't go get one anytime from the store god knows he'd plenty of opportunity. he was waiting on a hand out from a shady friend. i understand that free is free but there is a line. then to top things off he doesn't have a license in the first goddamnned place. shit you want me to wipe your ass too. hell i'm tired of being my boyfriend's fucking mom. get your shit straight fellas before you talk to girls. now he broke one of the axles on the stupid piece of shit. sigh at least he won't be able to invite himself over anymore. i know i'm being harsh, but i've already told him this much and he still keeps on doing the same shit. i shouldn't have to remind someone that getting a license is kinda important if you want to drive. i know it's not a big deal unless you get caught but what happens when you do get caught? you're fucked with a ticket and a 50/50 chance of your car getting towed. i do not like irresponsible men. my dad and brother are quite enough thanks.
on another note and i think this what initailly started my disinterest in this relationship, is sexually, he's very inconsiderate as a lover. when i'm done i'm done don't keep messing with me. no stop it is not me trying to be sexy and tease, i mean it, especially when it's punctuated with grabbing your hand away and rolling over. i'm not playing hard to get i promise. i usually like to cuddle but not with someone when they always try and make it more then that. also if you hurt me don't keep going. what the fuck is wrong with this picture if i'm saying owowow and it hurts and you won't get off me. no i don't want to take a break, the moment is gone and know i'm starting to resent being intimate with you. good job.
to sum it up i hear he's working on getting his license, he says he went through a driving course online and is waiting for the certificate to come in the mail in 2 to 8 days. which is stupid because he should be able to print it out at work or even over at my place and not have to wait. so he has 2 to 8 days to get his fucking license before i dump his ass for being a baby. right now i get annoyed with him just being around me, which is a horrible thing to feel cause i can't get over the feeling and i'm supposed to be giving him a chance. it's like he talks but has nothing of substance to say. he just repeats assurances, outloud, and i'm not sure who they are for. i'm sad that i'm hurting him in someway but i can't help myself. i'm tired of having to be the mom. i don't want a subserviant man, that just agrees with everything and never has an imput. i want someone to clash wills with and tells me hey we're going here instead. also i noticed that he's been super clingly and apologetic which oddly enough i super hate.
sigh
i'm not happy now but i know i'll be lonely later...i need help.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

i'm a coward.

well my dad is dying and all i can think about is how much parking is to see him. i suck. his organs are finally shutting down, starting with his kidneys, renal failure, and his blood isn't clotting very well any more because his heart only works 30%. i want to go see him but fear breaking down. i want him to see me strong and confident. i also don't want to seem spiteful and not go cause he was never there for me it seems. i'm afraid and alone. i don't think my siblings know the half of it when it comes to me and our parents. we all were hurt differently and developed accordingly. i just bottle it all up so nobody knows. i know i should go and i will, i just don't know what to say. we've never had much to talk about and we were never close. funny how now i feel like such a bad daughter, like i never measured up. i know the disconnection was on my part too. i couldn't help that i was raised by my sister and mothered my brother in turn. i feel like there is nothing to talk about and somehow that the silence only amplifies that failure between us. i know i'm going to cry cause there is nothing i can do, no turning back the page and no redo. truthfully i don't want to go because i'm a coward. i fear seeing my dad. i hate myself more and more. i'm just a coward.

Thursday, 06 May 2010

on littering

i hate littering, i really do. i don't know why someone can't just hold it till a trashcan comes around. lazy fucks. i can't stand it! obviously you have no repect for other people, the places you live and see, or how your momma raised you and you've never worked somewhere where you have to pick up after other pigs. i don't want to be around people like that, i don't want my future children to be friends with yours and i would rather you just do the world and me a favor and jump off a cliff into a cactus then be stuck in an awkward position for a very long time in a hot sun.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

getting shit done....kinda :)

well stupid phone i got your number. hmmm i'm out of phone puns already....anyways today i found out the screen on my phone is defective and parts of it are unresponsive to touch, expected since it's a touch and i've been none to gentle in the past. it was a sturdy phone until recently. now i'm afraid to turn it off for fear that it won't turn back on ( zoom to last night ). of course as is my luck it turned back on in the hands of the att tech this morning as if nothing was wrong and it had been a big stupid fucking joke on my part. ~~sigh~~ well at least it works for now and it only has to till july, UPGRADE. now to wait...
on another note my birthday is in three days. happy birthday me!!! i was just going to disappear and let people know i was alive on monday because i was getting so frustrated as to what to do, instead, after a little talking it out with a buddy, i've decided to go spelunking kinda. natural bridge caverns then off to austin. sound plan i think and a lot less lonely than plan a. also think it's going to be hilarious fitting 5 people in my tiny truck. i've already called driver or passenger!!! hahaha plus it's my truck and i get motion sick in the back.
sooo i'm allergic to the cat. nothing new right? except this morning i found i'm extremely allergic to his saliva. as in break out in hives where ever it touches allergic. yay...i"m suddenly finding i'm a dog person.....
for some reason boyfriend doesn't understand that when i say stop doing that it means cut it out right now and don't go and do it 5 minutes later. when i don't want to be touched that usually means i'm frustrated or mad and it just gets worse and worse when you add irritation to the mix. i get very prickly when i'm in that situation and i just want to be left alone. i guess small hints of `back off i need to cool down' need to be a little more exact than please stop. that bothers me.
so i think there is a leak in the windshield fluid aquifer, i don't think it's evaporating that quickly. which is odd cause wouldn't the radiator take damage before that? other than that i'm trying to take care of what i can afford on my truck...basic things really. i think tomorrow i'm gonna give her a bath and clean her out. also i need to be reminded that i have to go to kroger to get the registration. then maybe if i'm lucky the oil, also i need a funnel for transmission fluid. i know i was told i just should flush it but i don't have money for a professional flush so i'm just going to add more fluid. at least the windshield wipers were replaced and fluid added along with the newest rock chip was sealed, i'll do the air filter and transmisson fluid tomorrow before i wash it.